Inside the $47,802 Oscars Swag Bag

distinctiveassetsThe Academy Awards is practically an unofficial holiday, and seeing the Oscars unfold live on TV is a ritual almost as American as watching the Superbowl. But unlike most of our peers, some of us don’t really care about the red-carpet pageantry, or even about the nominees. We care more about all the stuff they get for free.

This year, the annual film-awards ceremony officially changed its name from the erstwhile über-snooty “Academy Awards” to the comparatively simplified “Oscars,” and to celebrate, the complimentary gift bag was reportedly the cheapest in five years, with contents valued at a paltry $47,802. Still, though, we wouldn’t mind getting a consolation prize valued at nearly $50K.

The gift bag included glamorous items such as Hydroxycut Gummies; premium electronic cigarettes from NJOY King; Krystal Klear Water’s under-sink water filtration system; DUETTE’s hair ties that double as bracelets; Green Garmento’s 4-in-1 reusable dry-cleaning bag; custom candles and wax sculptures from Southern Baked Candle; and an all-inclusive luxury fitness retreat from Live In Fitness Enterprise. That’s just the so-called tip of the iceberg, though. Here are a few more high-ticket items the losers received in their coveted swag bags.

The Vampire Facelift ($5000). A designer procedure that doesn’t use a scalpel, though it does use a cannula, as explained by Dr. Paul Nassif of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. (Caution: kinda gross.)


Bonita Platinum Tequila ($99). 100% agave luxury blanco tequila that’s been distilled five times and bottled in pure crystal, courtesy of Xzibit.


D’Milikah Swimwear ($250). Brazilian bathing suits that are designed to look good on everybody, and every-booty.


Cha-Cha ChiC ($125). Cathy Garcia’s Latin-inspired apparel includes this T-shirt, valued at over a $100.


Carlitos Brand ($850). Jeanette Longoria from Spain hand-illustrated a limited edition of canvas shoes. The gift package includes a pair of shoes worth $350 and a gift certificate for a customized pair worth $500.


Heathrow by Invitation ($1800). London’s Heathrow Airport offers a VIP service that includes a private lounge and door-to-door airline service via luxury limousine. Amenities are reserved for dignitaries, heads of state, and now, movie stars get the royal treatment, too.

(Special thanks to Distinctive Assets.)